Diets can fail because we are still thinking and eating like people, so for those who never have any success dieting, why not try The Sleek and Cheery Cat Diet? Most cats are long, lean and perfectly proportioned. The Sleek and Cheery Cat Diet will help you achieve the same toned, svelte figure of your feline friend. Just follow this diet for at least one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you'll have a whole new outlook on what constitutes good food. Buon Appetito!
DAY 1: Breakfast: Open a can of expensive gourmet cat food, place 1/4 of it on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food and look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest onto the floor. Lunch: Go outside and feast on four blades of grass and one spider, worm or similar garden insect. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: With all lights on and doors open, wait to catch a large moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one pasta shape from your spouse's or partner's plate (or if single, repeat Breakfast option for variety). Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food.
DAY 2: Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it (or if single, gnaw on the dead moth meat from the night before). Lunch: Break into the French bread baguette that you bought as part of the dinner party for Saturday which is now cancelled. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf and leave the rest to turn blue. Afternoon snack: Go outside and catch a large beetle and bring it into the upstairs of the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is unrecognisable. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room carpet and promptly throw up. Step into it and leave footprints behind you.
DAY 3: Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when they are not looking (if single pour some milk into a saucer with your eyes closed). Splatter the rest of it onto the table or polished surface. Walk away. Lunch: A workout in the park? Climb a tree and catch a small bird and bring it back to the house. (If single and you climb too high, nobody will miss you until you tire of eating leaves and come down again, just don’t expect the fire brigade to give a sh*t). Make sure the bird is seriously injured (but not dead) before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry (to yourself if single) until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Ingest three mouthfuls and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
DAY 4: Breakfast: Rummage around in the garden and eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings and antennae on the kitchen floor. Drink lots of water. Throw bugs and all of the water up on your favourite lounge chair. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's KFC leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash (if single, spoil yourself and repeat Breakfast option). Drag the skin across the floor several times to gather dust. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken Giblets in Gravy. Slurp off the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and go hard. Bedtime treat: Go back to dried lounge chair. Retrieve and devour ‘al dente’ insect parts leftover from Breakfast.